


Taste Test

by zaffre



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Dialogue-Only, Established Relationship, Fluff and Crack, Food, M/M, blindfold, blowjob, slightly cracky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-24
Updated: 2017-03-24
Packaged: 2018-10-10 04:41:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10429311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zaffre/pseuds/zaffre
Summary: John helps Sherlock with an experiment involving taste.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [aranel_parmadil](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aranel_parmadil/gifts).



> Written for the come-at-once challenge prompt 'Open your mouth and close your eyes, and you will get a big surprise' as given to me by swissmarg. This was written in less than two hours, so please be kind! I might go back at some point and rewrite this to include all the details I had on my outline but ran out of time to fully realize because of the time limit. But in the meantime, please enjoy the cracky unbetaed weirdness! :)

“Does it fit comfortably? Can you see anything?”  
  
“Yes, but I still think this is pointless.”  
  
“Well, we can’t have you burning down the flat because you’re ‘bored’. And since it’s pissing down outside and you broke my DVD player because you were annoyed that The Terminator presented paradoxes, we’re slightly limited on options.”  
  
“Not paradoxes, paradox. Although, since the existence of time travel has yet to be supported through the current understanding of physics, the entire movie is a farce.”  
  
“Ugh, not again. It’s just a movie, Sherlock, for entertainment and fun.”  
  
“I will  _not_  sit through the sequels. They are likely to be just as error-laden and improbable as the original.”  
  
“And nobody’s going to make you, so calm down. Now, are you ready?"  
  
“How are you recording the data? Lestrade will want proof beyond your word, and since you won’t let me do this by myself–”  
  
“Uh uh, we are doing this in a safe and sane way or not at all. And if you’d told me that you could identify any edible object in the northern hemisphere while blindfolded I’d want proof, too.”  
  
“Just because he refuses to believe I was able to break that cold case because I licked the murder weapon doesn’t mean it’s not true.”  
  
“I think he was more upset about the licking than about being able to make an arrest, as was I. Ok, let’s start with some baseline items.”  
  
“I don’t need to establish a baseline, I’ve already told you the extent of my abilities.”  
  
“No, in typical Sherlock fashion you’ve told a half-truth that made you seem like a savant. Besides, I’m certain I can stump you. So, first sample. Open up.”  
  
“Confiture de framboise.”  
  
“In English, you posh prat.”  
  
“Raspberry jam. The kind you prefer on your toast the mornings you don’t work at the clinic, likely because then you won’t have to worry about changing clothing should you spill any, and also because you consider it a treat. This particular jam was purchased at the Tesco on–”  
  
“Yes, yes, you got it. Try this next one.”  
  
“Mmmm, easy again, John. I would have been able to guess Mrs Hudson’s cranberry walnut muffins even if I hadn’t already eaten one earlier today. Just how is this helping to establish a baseline?”  
  
“You’ll see. Ok, item number three.”  
  
“Ginger. You do know how the scientific method works, yes?”  
  
“Living with you has shown me that the application of it is much less rigid than I’d been taught. And number four. It’s on a spoon so you’ll have to wait until you feel the bottom of it on your tongue before closing your mouth. Ok?”  
  
“Yes, yes, get on with it.”  
  
“All right, close and-”  
  
“Uck, Marmite. I hate Marmite.”  
  
“You do? Then why do you keep a container in the cupboard?”  
  
“It’s useful to have a source of yeast on hand. I often use it as a control when comparing respiration rates of various microorganisms. I’m going to need some water to wash this foul taste away.”  
  
“Here, I’m putting the glass in your hand. Got it? Good. Maybe you should drink some water between each item, like wine tasters do. We’re going to move on to more challenging things and I’d hate for you to lose because you were still tasting Marmite fifteen minutes from now.”  
  
“Mmm, that’s probably a good idea.”  
  
“Probably?”  
  
“It  _is_ a good idea. Now, what’s next.”  
  
“Ok, open.”  
  
“...”  
  
“Not quite as easy, yeah?”  
  
“It’s a piece of leek.”  
  
“Correct. And this is?”  
  
“Stilton.”  
  
“Oh, I thought that would be harder.”  
  
“I could hear the packaging as you opened it and recalled that there was some Stilton in the refrigerator with that kind of wrapping. This experiment is not going to be a good indicator of my sense of taste if I can use auditory clues–”  
  
“Hold on, then.”  
  
“Where are you going? John? … JOHN?”  
  
“Calm down, you wanker. I just had to get something from the kitchen. Here, put these in. I’m hoping you haven’t used them before for something toxic.”  
  
“No, but ear plugs do not cancel out all sound. I’ll still be able to hear enough to assist me with my guesses. And you do realize that I can also smell everything you are putting in my mouth and that that has the potential to affect the results?”  
  
“I am not putting a clothespin on your nose. I can’t imagine what Mrs Hudson would think we are up to if she walked in right now.”  
  
“Yes, what  _would_ Mrs Hudson think we were up to?”  
  
“Well, I did lock both doors when we started.”  
  
“I know – I heard you. And is that your zip right now I hear? Just what do you think we are going to be getting  _up_  to, John?”  
  
“Oh, certainly nothing that would affect the experiment. It’s just, you lying back with your mouth open and blindfolded, well, it’s a rather pretty picture, Sherlock.”  
  
“Hmm, undoubtedly. Shall we get on with it, then?”  
  
“Yes, just two more things to taste. Now, this one should be slightly more difficult.”  
  
“…”  
  
“Ha, I knew you wouldn’t get this one so easily!”  
  
“It’s obviously a mixture of tea leaves, but I need a moment to determine the components. Whatever you are doing with your hand is making it difficult to concentrate.”  
  
“Hmm? Oh, I’m just getting the last item ready for tasting. How long should I give you for this one?”  
  
“Thirty more seconds.”  
  
“I should be, I mean, the last item should be about ready then, too.”  
  
“There’s obviously cinnamon, almond, and earl grey, but something…something else, something that should be easy to identify but the cinnamon is masking the clues. Oh! It’s Irish breakfast.”  
  
“Wow, that’s absolutely right. And with fifteen seconds still to go. That’s amazing, you know, that you were able to figure that out.”  
  
“It’s merely the result of a few weeks’ worth of study. But your amazement is appreciated nonetheless. What else do you have for me?”  
  
“Well, this one is more, uh, nebulous when it comes to the definition of, erm, that is to say it might not taste–”  
  
“Just put it in my mouth, John. I assure you I’ve had all sorts of things in my mouth.”  
  
“…”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Nothing. Just considering all the implications of that sentence.”  
  
“The sample, please.”  
  
“I’m just going to give you a little bit. I think maybe I’ll just smear it on your lower lip, ok? There, it’s on there now, so go ahead and lick it off. Maybe you need a bit more, yeah?”  
  
“John?”  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“That’s not your finger.”  
  
“No, it isn’t.”  
  
“I think I might know what this is, but I need a bigger sample.”  
  
“Hmm, maybe you should open your mouth a bit wider, so you can, you know, get more into it.”  
  
“Mmmfffmm.”  
  
“Yeah, good. Good, Sherlock.”  
  
“Mmmhhhhggg?”  
  
“You want more? Oh, God,  _God yes_. Keep going, so good, so good, Sherlock. Fuck you’re gorgeous like this. But I think we might need to pause for a moment and check in.”  
  
“Sssssllluuuuurp.”  
  
“Now, do you know what this item is?”  
  
“Jooohn, please, give it back. I’ve not finished tasting.”  
  
“No, you haven’t, have you? Ok, open, and aaahhh, fuck. Keep, yeah, keep sucking, oh, oh. Yeah, keep, oh. Don’t stop, I’m not going to last but I don’t care. You are a fucking marvel you are, God, yes. Oh, yeah, oh, I’m gonna, yeah, I’m gonna, uhhhhh– ”  
  
“MMmmmmmhhhhhh.”  
  
“Fuck, Sherlock. Fuck you are amazing. Just keep, yeah, swallow, good. Now give me a minute.”  
  
  
  
“John?”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Have you gathered sufficient evidence to support my claim?”  
  
“Oh, I don’t know. We might need to run a few more trials. And you probably should repeat the entire study with someone with less impressive tasting skills. You know, to verify how extraordinary your mouth is.”

“Oh, John. Don’t discount your own, shall we say, ‘oral abilities’. I’ve found them to be quite superior.”

“Hmm, would you like a demonstration right now?”

“God yes. In your own time, then…”

 

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Taste This](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10744524) by [cwb](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cwb/pseuds/cwb)




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